How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back in Five Steps
Let’s face it. You, and most men for that matter, don’t know how to get your ex girlfriend back. If you did, you likely wouldn’t be reading this now. But don’t fret. By the end of this article, you will have an action plan in hand. You won’t have to wonder if you are doing the right thing. You’ll be more patient, rather than desperate and impulsive. Let’s get to it!
You Will Not Get Her Back If These Four Things Exist In Your Relationship
Dr. John Gottman through decades of relationship research has discovered the TOP 4 relationship killers. If any of these habits are part of your relationship, then it will just keep failing over and over again. In addition, your chances of ever getting her back are slim to none. Listen closely: these are the results of scientific research carried out over decades with literally thousands of couples. This is the best we have for developing a plan to get back together with your girlfriend. Here’s what Dr. Gottman calls “the four horsemen of the apocalypse are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Let’s look at each of them. And… don’t brush this off. Read this article to the end. The knowledge here knows the situation of your relationship better than you do.
1- Put A Stop To Criticism To Win Her Back
You should never criticize your girlfriend. In fact, you should never direct criticism at any person. Criticism should only ever be directed at a person’s behavior, not the person. This is a crucial human truth for you to grasp now, if you don’t already understand this. Sadly, many parents make this mistake with their kids and they grow up thinking that they are intrinsically faulty.
Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that criticism towards a partner is the main cause of relationship death. In fact, once Gottman’s team discovered this truth, they were then able to use it to predict with near perfect accuracy if a couple was going to be divorced within the next year. A couple that constantly criticizes the other is sure to fail. Let that sink in for a minute. If you want to know how to get your ex girlfriend back… then stop criticizing her person and focus comments on her behavior.
Now, I hear you asking that sometimes people do stupid things that warrant criticism. This is true. However, that criticism should be directed at the behavior, not the person. Here is the right way and wrong way to criticize your girlfriend (or her you):
Wrong way: I can’t believe you forget to pay the rent again. You always do that. How can you be so stupid? No we have to pay a late fee again.
Right way: I see you forgot to pay the rent again. This behavior is really concerning to me. It really makes it hard for me to trust you. What can we do to avoid this happening again?
Now, to be honest, it can feel real good to use the “wrong” way. Right? When we are angry it feels good to be sarcastic and mean. We see this kind of behavior everywhere. However, this behavior is extremely damaging in any relationship, including the one with your girlfriend. In addition, it focuses all the criticism on the person and implies that they are defective in some way. Criticism should only ever be directed at behavior.
Criticism of a person only delays the actual problem (behavior) and its solution (behavior modification). Habits are hard to break. You will continue to criticize others. However now, you should get in the habit of catching yourself and then changing the language to focus on the behavior and not the person.
2- Get Your Girlfriend Back By Not Being Defensiveness
If it is your girlfriend that is continuously criticizing you then you may be guilty of defensiveness. Defensiveness is the unhealthy and ineffective way of responding to someone else’s criticism. So what does defensiveness look like? It’s basically any response that isn’t calmly calling out the other persons criticism as inappropriate and then redirecting attention to the issue at hand. Defensiveness can can manifest itself in the form of whining and criticism directed back at the other. The relationship textbook response to criticism is to hear what your partner is trying to say, though ineffectively, and then taking some responsibility for your behavior and actions. Your girlfriend should feel a little bit relieved that you heard what she was saying and even took responsibility. At this point it would then be a good time to gently remind her that her approach to solving problems by criticizing you is difficult to deal with and could the two of you together help find a better way to deal with problems as they arise.
3- Eliminate Contempt To Get Your Girlfriend Back
Contempt arises from a feeling of superiority. The ideal is to see your partner as an equal and to have the utmost in regard and respect for her. In fact, there should be aspects of your girlfriend that you look up to, admire and want to emulate. If you have contempt for your girlfriend then you have some work to do. If your ex-girlfriend treats you with contempt, you may want to consider just moving on. There are other women out there for you. You are not going to be able to change your ex-girlfriend. If she’s in the habit of criticizing you, is overly defensive, feels contempt for you, and stonewalls (the final horsemen of the apocalypse), you probably should let her go. On the other hand, if you recognize any of these habits and yourself you should start right now and make a change.
These behaviors are likely responsible for killing your previous relationships, including the girl and you just broke up with, and they will most surely wreak havoc on all your future relationships until you change this negative behavior. You want to know how to get your ex girlfriend back? Look up to her and respect her..
4- How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Not Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down during a conversation. Stomping out of the house during the conversation in getting in the car and driving away is an example of stonewalling. Common way that men stonewall is to give the appearance that he doesn’t really care. However, in most cases the man really does care but just won’t show it. Stonewalling is when you feel overwhelmed and just need to shut down. The way to the stonewalling is to simply communicate your present feelings. For example,” this conversation is in going really well. I feel really frustrated and overwhelmed. I think I need a break from this conversation or else I’m going to freak out. Let’s continue after I’ve calmed down a bit.”
Conclusion Of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
So what does all this with the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have to do with how to get your ex girlfriend back? Very simply, if you or your girlfriend are in the habit of committing any of these four deadly relationship sins, then any effort you put into trying to get your ex-girlfriend back will eventually be wasted as you will just break up again, or at the very least be miserable together.
It’s important to keep in mind that changing the negative habits outlined above take time, in some cases a lifetime. This doesn’t mean that you halt all relationships until you change. However, you must acknowledge that you possess the bad habits and make a commitment to work on them daily. If you are prone to complaining, you might never be able to stop yourself completely. However, you CAN train yourself to recognize when you are doing it and then stop.
Step 5 – Action Steps To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
I’m putting this final step into an email series for you. You’ll get the first email and a video immediately after signing up below.
Remember, the email is where you begin to TAKE ACTION. This is how to get your ex girlfriend back. You need to implement the right steps at the right time if you want to get your ex girlfriend back.
Don’t wait! I won’t SPAM you and you can simply unsubscribe if you don’t feel you are learning anything.
See you on the other side.